I know I haven’t been here, but I’ve been going through a lot and I finally decided that it’s time I got therapy and that is what I’m doing now. My first day was rough I cried and my therapist said it’s ok to cry, crying means that you are letting out all of the build up you been holding on to for so long. That’s what it felt like, I been strong for so long, through the self harm, through the abuse, the rape, the hurt and the hurt I gave it’s all been so much and I e been strong for so long that I just can’t be strong anymore. But this is what I needed I feel so open and free when I do this therapy and I need this for my mental health. Mental health is a real thing and so many people don’t believe in it but it’s a real thing and I struggle with it all the time. Just know I lm going to conquer this and I’m willing to put my life on the line to beat this depression enough is enough I want to be happy again I haven’t been happy since 2014 I’m ready to be happy again and experience real happiness.
More often then not there’s this guy I miss Dearly. His name is Jeremiah he was my most recent boyfriend of 4yrs. He was my everything, my best friend, my Lover, my future husband. But I made a terrible mistake that I regret everyday. I am a cheater, it’s hard to actually say that but that’s the truth of the matter I cheated on him with another guy. There’s no excuse for my actions I was vulnerable and he sweet talked me and I fell for it like an idiot. I hurt him beyond imagine and broke his trust in me completely and what hurts me the most is that I hurt him. My depression spiraled out of control at this point and I feel like i deserve to be alone. He didn’t deserve that kind of hurt when I was the only person he ever loved and trusted. And I broke it, as much as I want him back I just feel like he won’t come back. I miss him dearly and would do anything to get him back, there are days I will just Break down and cry because I think about it so much. I reached out to him with no avail and that makes me go deeper into a dark place. Jeremiah if you ever see this just know I’m so truly sorry I love you with all my heart, body and soul and I miss you dearly not s day goes by where I don’t think about you if I can have one more chance with you I would do anything to just please come back.
I remember when I was in my first open Relationship I thought this was it this was gonna be so good. Then everything changed around a year of us being together. I could say the REAL him started to show. I was 22 at the time so I didn’t think anything of it because I was young this was my first real relationship and I can be open and honest about to (despite what my parents thought). But that’s when the abuse started not only was it physical but it was mental as well, when he over drink he would get angry and when I tried to calm him down he would get mad and hit me, and then when he wasn’t drunk and I would talk to him about it he would tell me I’m a liar and he would tell me I’m not good enough for anyone else and I honestly beloved that. There were days I would have to skip going home or work because I would be bruised and I don’t want anyone to see it especially my parents. But the thing is I never fought back because I honestly thought that if you loved someone that you should never strike them and I still stood by that. Call me stupid but I honestly thought that was it and I stuck by it. And during that time the self harm started again because I became really depressed and I said to myself “suicide would be an easier escape then this” and I honestly considered it. But one day I was at work and I told myself I can’t do this anymore and I called him in the middle of work and was like “I can’t do this” and he flipped out walked up to my job and everything and then he keyed my car and all even though I got it fixed I felt it was like the first time I get under control In a long time.
Today was a rough day for me. I broke down and cried so much today that my eyes burned. I was in a 4yr relationship that recently ended because of me and I been holding it on for 2 months after so much back and forth trying to get him back. Today he told me “he can’t Romantically be with me anymore” and that was the hammer on the nail for me. 2 months of me staying strong trying to move on all came gushing out at once. I just sat in my car and just cried and cried until my eyes started to burn. He was the only person I ever loved, he thought me so much, he thought me how to be happy, how to love, he made me believe in so much and even still I pushed him away until he wouldn’t want me anymore. Through this sadness today I told myself I need to go to therapy because I felt like I was stuck in a dark depression and I’m losing the fight with it. I tried staying strong but today really broke me like I never imagined.
Happiness, that’s a thing that comes and goes in me. I’ve seen happy days but I’ve seen more sad than happy. But at the end of the day looking back on how far I came and what I’ve over come I’ve truly become a happier person. I’m more up beat and optimistic at times and I always try to make someone smile. I feel like happiness comes from within and people can feel your energy.
During my Depression I told myself I need to find something that makes me happy. And in that search I found the hobby of Gardening. Yes I know out of all things gardening even though I’m sure I don’t have the “green thumb” that everyone speaks of but it does help me calm down as well as it being Therapeutic for me. I go to my local Home Depot and I will be excited just looking at plants because of all the ideas I have in my head of what I can do with them and where I can plant them. I always told myself when I get a house I’m gonna make a huge garden and have every type of plant and fruits and vegetables growing. For some reason they really do make me happy.
Another Thing I discovered that I enjoy is having a bird feeder and a squirrel feeder. It’s like my very own nature pets. I enjoy coming home every morning and seeing the birds and squirrels eating their morning breakfast and lunch. I remember when I first bought the squirrel feeder there was this one squirrel who would literally eat it all the way down until it can sit inside the feeder and just like it’s head out but it would literally sit in there and eat all the food. I never saw a problem with it I thought it was amusing just like the birds that throw the food on the floor for the other birds to eat it’s like a teamwork thing with those birds but I enjoy watching them eat their full.
And lastly I really have tapped into my Spiritual side. I enjoy meditation, and speaking with my ancestors and spirit guides. Through this realization I feel like I have noticed a lot of things when it comes to myself and people around me, some good and some bad. But every time I get overworked I would meditate to calm me down and honestly it really did, most of the time. And me taking to my ancestors and spirit guides also helps me because I have someone to vent to and they listen. I’m glad I picked up that skill and method because who knows what I would be doing half the time when I lose it.
I feel like Happiness comes from you and starts with you. Yes I have had my faults where I haven’t been happy but I really am getting better step by step and slowly changing into a better person for myself. Happiness is my main goal at the end of the day as well as self love, I’m going to achieve it slowly and surely.
For the longest I’ve Had trouble with Handling depression. I think it all started around the age of 18 right after high school, I was one of those kids that immediately felt the need to jump into college and that’s just what I did. But I didn’t expect college to be as hard and stressful as it was on top of costly. You can say I but off more than I could chew, I was also working at the time as well to pay for college 2 jobs and 4 classes was a lot for me and I started falling behind in classes and being over exhausted at work and that led me to getting stressed. There were points that I would break down and cry and I became super depressed and ever since then I just had trouble managing it. I think the biggest part that hit hard was when I came out to my aka “stepped out the closest” My coming out story wasn’t sugar and rainbows. It was the exact opposite of that, I lost so many friends, friends I thought were my real friends turned their backs on me, and coming from a religious house that didn’t go so well either my family turned their backs on me and made me wish I was never born. I had no one and for the first time that was when I really felt alone, my thoughts turned dark I never left my room all I did was cry, and that’s when I started doing self harm. It was my escape every time I was gonna cry I would cut myself but even still that didn’t take the pain away so I would cut more and more until it stopped. Then the thoughts got darker I was at my lowest and that’s when I had the thoughts of suicide and attempted suicide by hanging it seemed like a cop out but I didn’t care. I had my letter written and and the Noose ready “this was it I thought” I stared at it for so long ready to end it all but for some reason I didn’t. I became stronger for a time, I stopped putting up with certain things I thought I beat it, I almost did even today I still struggle with depression but not to that point not since my first open relationship. But that will be a story for another time. Thank you for listening and again until we meet again.
Hi my name is Denzel I’m a 29yr old male, I’m Gay, a hopeless Romantic, and a nerd. I’m genuinely a nice guy a goofy one I love making people smile all the time and laugh, if you were to ask someone about me they would say “he’s always random in a good way”. The Hopeless Romantic side is always in love, searching for love and what not, I really enjoy giving my partner all the love and romance I can. Even though my love life is slacking I still believe in it, I guess that’s the Pisces in me. Now I’m a huge Nerd, Sci-fi, Paranormal, murder mystery guy I love it all from anime to video games to even cosplay I’ve done it all and it’s apart of me. But with every Pro comes the Cons, I have a lot of self doubt in myself which leads to me having depression, I’ve struggled with depression for years to the point where I fell into a dark place for some time, even today I still fight back the dark thoughts that are so loud they can make my head burst. It’s a part of me that I wish I could make go away and I try so hard to, I have a tight circle of friends but even still there are times when i can be around them and still feel alone. But even through that I still try to make someone smile and feel good about themselves. I have so many more things I want to talk about and I will in time, this is my first time making a blog but if you are here thank you for taking the time out to be here it means a lot it me.
I spend a lot of time in my head, but I also love planing ideas for cosplay, I’m learning to write blogs and poems as well. It’s a uphill for me and I hope you enjoy the journey.
Wayward Child 